I am the last person I expected to be a Born-Again Christian.
I was raised as a Roman Catholic. I remember praying rosary with elders, singing in the choir and making the sign of the cross whenever I pass by a church or start and finish praying. I know God created me, He watches over me and He gives me what I need or ask for. But I also know Him as a God who punishes, that whenever bad things happen to me it’s because He is displeased. So when I was growing up I knew Him as something like a strict parent – do what I say or suffer the consequences.
When I was in elementary education, I am every parent’s dream. I am the top student in my class every year. I always came in first place in interschool competitions. I study diligently. I never fail to pray during these times and I always come to Him in prayer, especially when I need to ask Him for something like winning a contest or acing an exam. Before my graduation, I was offered scholarship to a prestigious high school near my town. I was ecstatic because I prayed so hard to achieve this. My joyous feelings lasted until I was interviewed by the head mistress. She asked if my parents are working and I told her my mother is a fish vendor while my father works as an overseas worker in the construction industry. Naïve as I was then, I thought telling the truth sets people free. But my answer made her decide to offer the scholarship to another candidate, who she deemed needs it more than I do. I was upset and angry because I know I deserve it – financially and intellectually. I hated God for not giving into my wishes – to get that scholarship. I questioned Him over and over on what I have done to deserve losing an opportunity when I’ve been nothing but a good girl. My mother decided to still enroll me in that school even though it meant she has to work harder because the tuition fees are high. I suppose that triggered the rebel in me and even though I didn’t fail any of my subjects until I finished high school, I also didn’t try to excel as much as I did in elementary school. I also wasn’t praying anymore, except when I really needed help – during exams for example. My mother was disappointed with me, as expected, but I didn’t care as I was only thinking of myself. When at times our quarrels worsen, I asked God to kill me at that moment and when He didn’t I blame him all over again.
College came knocking on my door and I studied just to pass as opposed to trying my very best. Just a semester away from receiving my bachelor degree, I got pregnant. Again, I was angry at Him for giving me this problem. I questioned His judgment to give me a life I am not prepared to take care of. I was afraid that my parents will disown me but to my amazement, they came to my rescue and helped me and my, then-boyfriend, hubby to start on a new chapter of our lives as parents.
But even after seeing the silver lining, trouble seems to have taken a liking to me. Our marriage proved to be unstable even after the birth of our next child. Few years passed still and our marital problems just seemed to keep on coming. In June 2005, I flew to Singapore for a new job opportunity. It seemed fitting for me – the workload was relevant yet not as stressful as my usual job requires and I’ve normal working hours (8:30am-6pm). The next year, my family followed and lived with me. For a moment, things seemed to feel and look better. During these times, our family got invited by Joel and Josephine to attend their weekly caregroup sessions. Sometimes we make it, most times we have an excuse why we are not able to. I thought it was weird to be like that – sing and talk about God the way they do. It’s just not normal for me. My understanding of singing to God is inside a church and the only one who can talk about him is the priest while the parishioners listen and obey.
In February 2007, I had a change of heart. I decided to not extend my job contract and return to Manila to accept a challenging role in a new company. My hubby was disappointed. It meant my kids and I have to leave him, as a few months before my decision he got accepted to a job. But he understood my decision in the end and let us go back. During this long distance relationship, our fights resumed. It came to a point when we almost called it quits finally. I suppose God intervened and He led one of his men to us, named Pastor Boy (my younger sister's Pastor) . He only counseled to us once but with his words, he brought His wisdom that enlightened me. That is when I’ve decided my kids and I will return to Singapore, to be with my husband, for us to be a family together again. From hereon, I have never prayed as often as I could ever recall.
Starting February 2009, I’ve sacrificed the next months waiting for the right job to accept that will favor me being a working mom. A lot of interviews came by but each time I thought I’m going to be offered, there are no more calls. I tried with my previous employer if they have an opening and the manager told me there isn’t any yet but will let me know once there is. Came May 2009, my kids and I flew to Singapore to spend their school vacation. I followed up with my previous employer if they have vacancies and the manager said there is. She invited me to a lunch to talk things over and I agreed to meet her. Our lunch meeting went on smoothly and she agreed to hire me once the resigning party on her team finalized her leave. I felt so blessed and thankful at that time that I was praying in my head while I was returning to my husband’s flat to break the good news.
Several months passed and I was finally offered a job to start on late October 2009. Our family became whole again on early December 2009. Joel and Josephine invited us again, as well as my hubby’s former officemate and friend Gedeon, to attend their weekly gatherings. We attended half-heartedly at first and we refused to attend their Sunday service as we were still attending Catholic Sunday services. Then, those invitations and gatherings are regarded as social interactions. It was towards end of year 2009 that we finally accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Saviour through Bro. Kai Ming.
Slowly afterwards, we realized we were attending Hope Church’s Sunday service diligently. At first, I was awkward with the praise and worship styles as well as the way the words of God were preached of. But week after week, I realized I was feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit and Jesus Christ in my heart. That I finally heard Him talking to me. Assuring me. Loving me.
My relationship with my husband felt like we were newlyweds again – blossoming with love and support for each other. For the first time in many years, I finally felt that God gave me the right man to love and raise my children. We are now embarking on a new chapter in our lives with Christ in our midst. As the weeks progressed, the previously regarded obligations of caregroup and Sunday worship became an act of love that I was willing to do with obedience and offer my finest work in His name. I wanted involvement in my caregroup unit by sharing food, leading praise & worship and imparting my reflection and/or testimony of an entire week’s happenings in glory of His name. I was called upon to serve the Lord further as an usher and I was happy to become His instrument for spreading His good news. I do not claim to be the best in all of these services to the Lord but I do them because I love Him, I want to obey His words and I want others to know of His great love through my actions and the changes His love has done in my life and my family’s lives.
I am just thankful the Lord didn’t give up on me. Didn’t give up on sending wonderful people to let me know that He loves me. That He wants me to return to Him. That He is just waiting for me. I am full of joy and praise for His glory that I can't hide it.
Thank you Jesus, for saving my wretched soul and restoring me in Your Holy image.
