forgive and forsake

one very important aspect of living a Christian life is to forgive and forsake.

it is human nature to get angry and most of the time, sow hate in our hearts when somebody does something hurtful to us or betrays our trust. and yet, Jesus himself experienced the most hurt and betrayal anyone have ever faced yet people mocked him and still, He forgave them - forgave all of us sinners.

i've had my tiny bit of share of getting hurt and betrayed these past few days.

friday last week, i received news from my mom that she doesn't want to fly here in Singapore to help me with my kids. she says she's too fragile/old to go about much anymore. i was almost begging her to please come even for a few weeks but she politely refused. i know my mom doesn't want to hurt me, she even went on and on saying how sorry she was she cannot help me. but still, i got hurt. i was silently weeping all the way home then, my tears fall one at a time while i wipe them off. after that conversation, i asked God to guide me and give me the strength to cope with my problems since i know He won't give me one i cannot overcome. i had a sudden calm inside of me after that private talk. it made me sigh with relief.

but i suppose my faith in Him was still yet to be tested as yesterday, i discovered that someone i thought i could trust or rely on actually talks about me badly - told lies about me behind my back. this is someone who i thought i knew was a sweet person and yet turned out to have malicious thoughts or distorted vision of who i really am. those who really know and understand me, know that i'm not perfect but i'm not a bad person. i may be quiet most of the time, but it doesn't mean i loathe someone just because i don't talk much to them. and you know what shocked me most is that, i thought i was actually taking into consideration that person's feelings - there was no pressure, i tried to entertain that person in ways i can, considered that person's needs and future - and yet, it seemed to that person that i was mean and lazy. it freaked me out and made me very sad. the crying number a few days ago had an encore. i've decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with this person. my aim was to clarify everything that has been going on and to let me know whatever that person feels or thinks about me now, face to face. i will not go into details of what has transpired between us but i thought i clarified what i had to and promised to do what i can. that person's insights are welcome, bad or good - but i wanted it straight from the lion's mouth. that way, i will know a person's heart on a personal level - and not me knowing through other means. after this talk, i again sought God's embrace to pacify my soul and strengthen me, for i am strong when i am weak because Jesus revives me.

these trying times make me realize people hurt us, knowingly or not, but they do it most of the time. they disappoint us, betray us, abandon us. before i was a believer, i know i will take it to heart when someone crosses me. bury my hate there and never forget. but now? i forgive and forsake - let go of the angst and trespasses done to me. don't get me wrong, it is hard. very hard. but Jesus gave up so much more for you and i, so how can i compare that love to mine? surely, His offered salvation and forgiveness to mankind is priceless than my tiny sacrifices. and so, i have forgiven and forsaken these wrongdoings...

i pray to you my Lord: "My God, You are my anchor on a stormy sea, my serenity on a windy night, my hope when all else fails. Your presence surrounds me like a protective shield and when the arrows of my selfishness pierce through, Your loving arms extend themselves to reach out and grasp my wandering soul" (by Mother Angelica). May your peace and courage forever stay in my heart, O God, in Jesus' name. Amen.